you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
