Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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