I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
