On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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