You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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