Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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