He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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