you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
