I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
