we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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