my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
