you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
