you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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