I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
