Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
