I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
