jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
