$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
