hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
