the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
