My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it because I queefed?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
