The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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