We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
