Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
