I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
