I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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