So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
