just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
