I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
