he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
