On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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