i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
