I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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