I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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