spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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