I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
