Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
