I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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