this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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