Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
