i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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