Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
