I wish life had little blips of pornography
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
