Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
