You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
