Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
