just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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