i think i have two assholes
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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