Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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