do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
