Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
