: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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