mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
