can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
