me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
