There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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