No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
