The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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